Hello out there! I've been away living my life and just making it through one day at a time for quite some time. In that time I've never found a place to express my feelings and experiences living and learning with Schizoaffective Disorder, psychosis, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It feels like a heavy weight bearing down on my shoulders and chest, squeezing the life and breath out of me as I try to chin-up and put my best foot forward, but really no one in my life understands what it feels like. And that has led to feeling like I am judged and criticized harshly on every side, behind closed doors and under people's breath. Because I don't function like normal, I don't fit-in, I don't appear like I've got it all together. And guess what, I don't care that my life doesn't look picture perfect and normal. Gasp! I'm controversial and socially unacceptable, I know.
So I have decided to start writing about my experience and letting the world take a little peek. Maybe it will help me get it off my chest, and that will be freeing. Maybe it will open a few eyes, and that will build understanding. Maybe it will bring a little hope and peace to someone who feels alone, scared or unheard, and that will be a blessing. I'm not sure exactly where to begin or how to break it all down. But here goes...
My name is DeAnne. I have Schizoaffective Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I can hear the question, what the heck is Schizoaffective Disorder? I will go into more scientifically backed detail throughout later posts, but just for a quick rundown, it is like having a combination of symptoms of Schizophrenia and a mood disorder, all at the same time. There are both depressive types and bipolar types. Someone with the depressive form would be like having both Major Depression and Schizophrenia, while a bipolar type would be experiencing both bipolar mood cycles and schizophrenia. When I am talking about schizophrenia, there are many symptoms associated with this disorder, but the main component includes psychosis, where you sense things that are not real, have delusions, paranoia, and have a break from reality. Sometimes people with Bipolar may experience psychosis, but the difference is with Bipolar, the psychotic symptoms must coincide with the mood cycles, whereas in schizoaffective disorder, the psychotic symptoms are independent of the mood cycles, so it really is like having two separate mental disorders at the same time. Trippy. The difference between schizoaffective disorder and schizophrenia is that schizophrenics have what is called a flat affect, so no mania/hypomania and mood swings happening there. That's where it gets confusing, because I experience mania/hypomania and depression cycles, but I also experience flat affect or no emotion at times. Now throw into the mix another disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and it's quite a party going on all the time. Now in reality, there is an extensive list of symptoms and I have experienced nearly all of them to some degree. There is also an extensive list of side-effects from treatment and again, I have experienced many of them.
There is so much misunderstanding, fear, and stigma surrounding schizophrenia and psychosis, as well as other mental disorders. But really, come on. Think about it. Those of you who know me, am I really that scary or strange? Am I working, living, and accomplishing things every day? Guess what? I am one of the faces of schizoaffective/schizophrenia.
My name is DeAnne. I am a paraprofessional in a special education classroom. I work weekends in a chocolate factory. I'm a student in a graduate certificate program. I am a mother to an autistic boy. I'm a step mom. And a wife. And a friend. And a daughter. And a sister. I love peanut butter and Indian food, walks in the rain, and Star Trek. I've got goals and dreams.
If you have any interest in gaining some insight into what it is like to live with this disorder or if you'd like to see what strategies and tools help me cope and function, or some of the lessons I have learned about life, I invite you to join me in this little adventure.
Here's a little recap of the year 2013. It was a real roller coaster ride. I started out feeling strong and went all the way to Phoenix to run an awesome 10k. That had me all psyched up to start training for my first half marathon. That was going well until I ran too much in worn out shoes, and probably overtrained a little. The result was a stress fracture in my left foot which put me out for about 3 months and cancelled the half marathon as well as Ragnar. I got a little bummed. I had been so uptight really about all my running goals and expectations. Life has a way of checking us though. I finally got back into the swing of things from that and started running again, feeling great and ran the Legacy Midnight Run again, which was the very first race I had ever run the previous year. From there I was planning on another half marathon to make up for the one I missed.
Then life decided to have a hey day with me for awhile. Just about 2 weeks after the race I ran in July, I went in for what you would think to be a rather routine dental surgery. It ended not being routine at all. What should have been the expected level of pain and recovery, turned out to be a nightmare. Pain went from uncomfortable, to bad, to unbearable, to worse. There was an infection and subsequent antibiotics. Then I lost complete control of the left side of my face. I was having all kinds of involuntary muscle movements of my face and neck. This wasn't just a twitch. I joked that I should have joined the circus as a facial contortionist. And it hurt because all my muscles were so tired from moving constantly. I felt so broken. I started having a lot of muscle weakness in my legs and arms, numb hands and feet, hand tremors, severe dizziness and constantly losing my balance, and an inability to even sit up for longer than 10 minutes at a time, and overall mental confusion and dumbness. I had an MRI to find out what the heck was happening to my body. MRI was completely normal. Got clued in that there was probably some connection to my bipolar meds by my general practitioner. There is the risk of developing potentially severe and permanent movement disorders with pretty much all anti-psychotics and other related drugs. Went to the psychiatrist, who decided I had to get off of my anti-psychotic right away. This had always been one of my big fears. Everything had been pretty good for a long time, I thought that was what I would be doing to help me manage the very frightening and disorienting psychotic stuff I deal with. That all changed very quickly and I had no control over it. I was feeling angry, terrified, anxious, discouraged and broken. I literally laid on the couch for a month straight and spent hours just holding my head crying because of the pain I was in. I couldn't eat and lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. Along with the dizziness I became so nauseated, 24/7. I have never been so nauseated in all my life. 1 month turned into 2 as I started tapering off of Seroquel and I slept for a total of about 20 hours in a 3 week time span, which certainly added to the dizziness, nausea, confusion, and I became a total clutz and complete wreck. I was itching all over from the withdrawal, and it's a deep tissue, fiery kind of itch. If you've never experienced it, don't. It's awful. I was pretty weak and just going for short walks around the block were about all I could handle. Driving was very difficult because of my dizziness and nausea and that I wasn't able to focus or think or remember what I was doing. All these people started telling me about all these things they knew I just had to try. Frankly, I wanted to punch them in the face and tell them to leave me alone because although I know people all want so much to help, sometimes you really don't understand the whole story and why something may not be a good idea or why someone really honestly can't handle doing something in the state they are in. (I think that's something everyone experiences and feels, but no one ever says it, so I just did, and I know I have been guilty of doing the same thing, for which I am very sorry). I tried going to a naturopathic doctor and then had allergic reactions to the herbal things he had me try and just had this bad feeling that it wasn't the right thing, not to mention how much money it was costing for everything. So I gave up on that because emotionally I was having a very difficult time dealing with everything else already and it was just too much. I was trying so hard to be optimistic and have a sense of humor about it all. But I was quickly becoming a real mess. Turns out I had to go off of not only 1 but 2 of my meds at the same time. That put my nerves even more on edge as I realized that sooner or later I would have to start facing some of my psychotic symptoms again. 2 months turned in to 3. I was having a difficult time talking. I just couldn't get any thoughts or words out and what I did manage to get out was very jumbled. I couldn't remember anything. I would get so confused and lost. I couldn't figure out how to do very simple tasks. For an example, I would open up the cupboard to take out a cup and just stand and stare blankly as I couldn't remember, first of all what I was doing, and then because I couldn't figure out what to do to get the cup out of the cupboard. I almost couldn't even find my way to work on a couple of occasions, and I've been working there for 5 or 6 years. I just couldn't think straight at all. It all had me very frightened to be truthful, thinking maybe I have some serious neurological disorder or a brain tumor or something. I was dropping everything and kept falling down the stairs. My legs and arms and hands and brain just didn't want to work anymore. It was so frustrating! Finally at Thanksgiving I was able to run 2 miles and that was awesome. It was short-lived. I never ran again in the year. Throughout September, October, and November combined I ran a total of 3 times. At this same time I started losing it, as in, losing touch with reality. I was getting all psychotic and flipping out, and I came to a realization that I had actually been experiencing psychotic symptoms much more often than I had ever thought. It wasn't very comforting to find out. Basically, my whole life turned to chaos over the course of the year, and that's saying something because I kind of live in chaos as a normal state of affairs anyway. I was still feeling all the feelings of anger, resentment, fear, disappointment, but mostly I was just plain exhausted. My psychiatrist was very concerned about me. In December she started me on a new medication. All the while, over the 6 month course, my son and husband were really suffering and the stress and negative energy in our home skyrocketed from the already intolerable levels we've been living under for the past 10 years. We started the evaluation process to find out if my son Cody has Asperger's during this whole thing, which is still in progress, and a constant worry on my mind.
Right now I am kind of living, well not living really, in a fog from the shock to my system. The entire year was also the culmination of more years than I can count of emotional and mental agony and denial in my marital situation. So while I had all this other stuff raging, I could talk to people about that (for the first time ever), and found so much love and support. But then there is this whole other storm in my life that I haven't been able to say anything about, so I'm holding that all in trying to look nice and pretty, and like I have a good attitude about all the stuff people know is going on. And feeling like I have to keep so many secrets and hold it all together. I have been trying to deal with everything so very much on my own and in silence at home and with my husband, and that has been very difficult and isolating. I have weathered a lot of very difficult years over the past decade with having cancer twice, becoming a completely different person and losing my identity, as the result of the onset of mental illness. Then officially being diagnosed with bipolar and psychosis, and the ensuing storm that has destroyed both my marriage and the person I'm married to because of all these things. Bipolar does that, it's like a hurricane. Going through a near divorce and trying for the past 5 years since then to hold on by a thread and pretend things are ok, only to 5 years later have it all fall apart anyway. And trying, despite everything, to be a good mom, good wife, good daughter, good sister, good friend, good employee, good person, and feeling like a failure at all of them. I would say that I have pretty much been in survival mode for an entire decade, but this year quite nearly did me in. Hooray, that year is finally over. Longest year ever.
So now it's 2014. I'm shell-shocked really, just scrambling around in the dark to find some kind of existence. That is why my resolution for this year (and the next however long it takes), is to take back my life! Which means, this year is not going to be easy at all. I'm actually in for some more really rough waters. But this time it will be because I am making that choice. See, I really am crazy. I do these kinds of things. It really is nuts.
Here's where the running lesson comes in. I am learning that I can face hard, daunting, painful things and survive in the end. I am learning that I have to be willing to do those things to make progress and get to good, fulfilling places. I am learning to allow for moments of weakness, but to power through anyway, without thinking I failed because I am simply being human. I am learning that I can discipline myself, when I feel out of control, to focus my attention on the positive aspect of things, even when there is an overwhelming negative side. I am learning that I can work on tiny little pieces at a time and have confidence that over time, things will come together if I don't stress out over it and I have faith in God and his timing and plan. I am learning that there are amazing, loving, supportive people all around and that I don't have to do it all alone. I have a lot of ground to make up and a lot of things to define, a lot to let go of. And I need to do a lot of healing, which is not always a pleasant process. It comes with ups and downs. It's just a fact. But it doesn't stay the same forever. That's something else I am learning. Things do get better, no matter how impossible that can seem at the time. Sometimes that means things do resolve and actually get better. More often it means that we still have to go through and feel the crap, but we find the strength, support and hope to handle things more calmly, more optimistically, more gratefully.
Which reminds me. Two week ago, I had the pleasure of accompanying my beautiful sister Nicole, (remember her, she's that one awesome amputee snowboarder), as she spoke to a group of Cub Scouts and their families. The topic was "Positive Attitude." She told the group that the number one key to being happy, no matter what circumstances we are in, and especially when circumstances are bad, is gratitude. She also revealed that there are 3 reasons that she snowboards: 1. Because it's fun! 2. Because it clears her mind. 3. Because it reminds her just how blessed and fortunate she is. I love that. One thing that I can say is that throughout the past year, I have always had a lot to be very grateful for. There are always a million little (and big) reasons to be grateful, no matter what. Once you start looking for them, you will be amazed! I can say that I am grateful for the past decade, and the past year because they have brought me to the place where I am today, which is broken down so that I can rebuild something much better than before. And that should be something to get excited about. I am grateful for all of the beautiful souls that have been along my path. I am grateful for the lessons learned, the perspective gained, and the strong arms leaned on.
Nicole is now about a month and a half away from carving up the slopes in Sochi Russia at the Paralympics. Currently she is traveling the world with TeamUSA to a stream of competitions, as the final push before the games. (Just the other day she placed 5th in the entire world!) Yes, she is officially a US Paralympic team member and will be participating in making history as snowboarding appears as a Paralympic event for the first time. And you can watch it happen because this will also be the first time the Paralympic events will be broadcast on mainstream TV. I for one will be going out of my way to watch for Nicole (I don't have TV). And maybe she will even be lucky enough to have her story featured, right on your screen. And I have to admit that I felt very proud when I learned that NBC was contacting people to get photographs and stories of Nicole, to put together a possible clip. Yes, she's that cool, just as this picture shows!
I still feel like I am in a recovery mode for a while. My balance is still off, I still get waves of nausea. My psychotic symptoms are still trying to haunt me. My feet still aren't super happy and I am in a situation where I just can't make it out for runs, it will become even more difficult to make happen. Basically, my life is falling apart. One thing is certain though. I'm not staying where I'm at. I won't stand for it anymore. Hey, I made it this far, and what a journey it has been. In 2012 I decided I was going to do something I thought and said I would never do. Running has been one of the biggest miracles of my life, for all it has taught me so far and all that it has given me the courage to admit and face. It is only because of running that I have been able to start tackling mountains in my life, one small bite at a time. 2013 brought something else I thought I could never do. I started talking. It was so scary! And so far, that has started to bring about even more miracles. I have always been controlled by one thing: Fear. One of the best things about my sister Nicole is that she feels fear, but goes ahead and does things anyway. Period. And most of all, she doesn't get hung up on a fear of failure. That's what I am starting to learn. There are lots of things that scare the crap out of me. Too bad for them.
I think this music video of the song On Top of The World by Imagine Dragons says it all really, both in words and in pictures. The details describe the whole grand experience I've been enjoying. Check it out! (Anyone who knows me knows I couldn't be serious if I tried so I always seem to gravitate to videos like this - but be sure to listen to the words too). Thanks for letting me rant. Sometimes all I really need is to get it out.
I thought I'd finally blog about my running adventure since getting back into the thick of things and healing from my stress fracture this winter. Life sure does have a way of throwing snowballs and poop balls at us, doesn't it. Sorry, but it's going to be a long post.
Well, I am definitely back to running and that makes me soooo happy I can't even tell you, but my body sure is feeling it a lot more this time around. I think maybe I'm just not easing into it quite as slowly or maybe that extra birthday has something to do with it but I am certainly just as determined, just a little bit more tempered, shall we say. I may not seem as gung-ho, but that's just because life has thrown me for some loops and has some more in store over the horizon. Life is kind of funny that way. I can't get out and run the way I did last year. Sometimes it makes me kind of sad. But I'll learn to deal with it and make running happen someway, somehow.
So I finally got to run my first race since being back and it was special because it was the anniversary of the very first 5k I ever ran, the Legacy Midnight Run. I have been training for this one by following another audio podcast by my personal running coach, (that's how I refer to him, I'm kind of obsessed) Todd Lange. He's the guy that made "5k101" which got me started and all the way to my first 5k in a matter of 2 months and I seriously can't praise the guy enough. I used his "10k101" program as well and it kicked butt, literally. This time I did "Your Fastest 5k," which is a 4 week program to help you set a new PR for a 5k. (For those that don't know, that means Personal Record and is your minutes/mile). Holy Hannah Hard, and I loved it! My goal was to see how much I could improve my time from the same race last year. Results? Well, I kind of don't know. See, I ran the race and I ran it hard, which was awesome. But as I was getting close to the water stop and the area where the turn around was last year I was mentally talking through that. But there was confusion at the stop and they were telling everyone to keep going. So I kept going, and going, and going. I finally got to the turn-around point and made the long haul back. At that point I was getting tired and it was kind of a struggle to keep up my pace, because mentally I had been prepared for 3.1 miles and even though I had been on a number of 4 and 5 mile training runs, I wasn't in a frame of mind for running at a good speed for a longer distance. My goal was just to run pretty fast (for me) for that 3.1 miles. But somehow I kept it up to the end. When I got to the finish line I picked up my results and shook my head because it said I finished in 48:49 and ran a pace of 15:29/mile. Yeah right. Last year I finished in 37:32 and ran 12:04/mile and I can tell you I definitely ran a heck of a lot faster this time. If I didn't then something is wrong with me. So I stuck around for the awards ceremony to find out what the deal was. When they started to announce the first awards, the guy said, "And for 3rd place...in the 4.4 miler." Say what? You heard me. 4.4 freaking miles. (The 10k people ended up running 8.2 miles - that's supposed to be 6.2). Kind of not cool because I wasn't able to accomplish my goal in a way. Kind of way cool because I accomplished a lot more than I bargained for and that feels really good. If you do the math my minutes/mile was actually 11:02 so a full minute off of last year which is nice, but I can guarantee you that if the race had been the right distance I would have been a lot faster. I'm even going to go out on a limb and say I would have done a 10:00 mile. I placed 4th in my age group and 41st overall. I feel really good about that. I have since gotten an apology email from the race director explaining how they messed up so bad. Something about trusting the job to someone else and GPS error. Technology is really great sometimes, isn't it? Anyway, one thing I can say is I'm well on my way to a 10k, which is good because I - wait for it - signed up for another half-marathon, and this time I intend to run it and not to break any body parts training for it. It's the Snow Canyon Half-Marathon on November 2nd. And I couldn't be more thrilled because I pretty much dig that place and spent most of my family vacations there growing up.
As you can see from the blurry red-eye picture above, I was decked out in my blinking butterfly wings and antennae, and super awesome color-changing shoelaces for the race. Let's not forget the reason for all of this running now. My sister Nicole, my favorite butterfly, continues to inspire, motivate, and amaze me with her determination and resilience and she is now officially listed as a US Paralympic Professional Snowboarder! The Paralympic Games in Sochi Russia are just 8 months away now. I can't believe it! And guess what? Nicole is a runner now too. I'm so psyched over this latest development. I can't wait for the day when we will cross the finish line together. That will be the Best. Day. Ever. And we will both cry. She just never stops being awesome. My brother Jon also made his racing debut. He's a punk. (Sorry Jon. Love you Bro). He didn't even train, hasn't ever run a race in his life, and got 1st in his age group, 5th overall. Dude. He didn't get his medal because he didn't stay for the awards ceremony. It was already past midnight and he didn't even realize I don't think. He hadn't even planned on running it. He was actually going to walk it to support his wife, my SIL who had to pull out at the last minute due an unfortunate circumstance. I hope she is feeling better and I look forward to a future opportunity to do a race with her. Keep at it Corrie! I'm rooting for you. This whole running thing has been kind of contagious in my family which is so funny. I would have never thought in a million years that anyone in my family would be running. So far 9 of us have participated in races if you include the kids 1k's. Yay!
Of course I have to include a song to end my post. I have selected "Bigger Than My Body" by John Mayer. I listened to this song quite a bit while I was out of commission with my stress fracture. The mantra of this song really speaks to me. Something that is really difficult for me to talk about is my personal struggle with Bipolar Disorder, but it is another reason that running has been so powerful for me. (*Now I want to make a disclaimer. Please tread lightly and don't judge me for choosing to talk about it in this post. I thought very carefully about it before I chose to include it. I don't talk about it very often, or with very many people, other than the jokes I crack now and then. I try to keep things light for the most part, but in reality it is a very serious part of my life). I have a lot of demons that like to haunt me and a lot of things that at times are out of my control. Running is one thing that has helped me prove to myself that I can take back the control. I can win some of the battles over my head. I can be bigger than my body and my mind. I don't have to throw up my hands and let myself be defeated when I feel like I am past exhaustion mentally, emotionally, or physically. I can always dig down deep and find more fight, more reasons, more strength. I think about Nicole, who definitely proves that she's a giant. That's what this song means to me.
This weekend was beautiful. Nicole got married right on the mountain that she calls home as a snowboarder and it was breathtaking. Seriously, where else do you get to ride the ski lift to the top of the mountain for the ceremony and then get to ride the alpine slide back down to get to the reception and party? Of course, not everyone was required to brave the slide, but all of the COOL people did it. Even I rode it in my high heels and pencil skirt, so yes it can be done and yes the bride rode down in her dress. And you should have seen all of the flowers. They were amazing! Of course I'm probably biased because I got to spend 3 hours immersed in them helping to put everything together. The theme was "vintage rustic" and there were every kind of wildflowers you can imagine straight from a local farm. We had fun with that project and we did a pretty rockin' job, if I do say so myself. Nicole is one of the most resourceful people I know and she pulled off an amazing wedding on a very tight budget. She's been one very busy gal, but it all came together when it counted. I hope that it was everything she's dreamed of. It was beautiful, but simple with a little bit of both Tom and Nicole's signature senses of humor. Oh Tom! We all love you. You are quite a guy. There were plenty of yummy cupcakes, a candy buffet featuring Nicole's favorite candy, Frooties, and all of the classic cheesy dance songs. Yeah, I haven't done the Macarena and the Boot Scootin' Boogie since probably High School. It was just relaxed and fun. I think the most entertaining part was watching the flower girl (my niece Courtney) dance with all of the groomsmen until they were ready to drop. She was in heaven! Nicole you were a stunning bride! And you are an amazing woman that will continue to inspire me, not only because of your example on the snow and all the obstacles you continuously overcome, but because of the beautiful person inside and out that those obstacles have helped you to become and all of the dignity and grace that you show no matter what you encounter. I wish nothing less than the very best things for you and all the happiness your heart can hold.
With that in mind I'll take just a moment to get back to the running. I am finally starting to get back into the swing of things I think. I have not yet run any races. I am tentatively hoping to find a race for the last Saturday in June, that's 2 weeks away. I won't be able to do the Color me RAD race I had planned on because I need to go support my son Cody as he participates in his first Irish Step Dancing competition on the same day as that race. He's pretty excited and he's actually pretty good too. That is one lesson that I've needed to learn, balance. Last year was awesome, my determination and motivation were riding so high and it took a really high level of commitment in order for me to get from having never run before to running not only my first 5k but pledging to race each month. But now I have caught the running bug and I want to run so much, but I have to do other things sometimes instead. That's kind of hard for me. But I have found myself giving up runs I had planned on because I just really needed to stay home with my family and Cody that night. Now that summer is here it is getting too hot to run during the day (and Cody is out of school) so I'm going to have to figure out how I'm going to fit in runs. I just might have to bite the bullet and get up super early in the morning so I can go before my husband leaves for work. Anyone who knows me, will know this is a very difficult thing for me to do, but if that's what it takes, so be it. I'll figure it out. Please never mistake any of this as less of a determination or passion. I think we all know that life has many seasons and running came at me at a turning point, a new season. But as with all seasons, they don't last forever. It's kind of sad for me. I wish it could always be the way it was at first, but now I'm entering a time to learn whatever new lessons running has in store for me. Coming up in July is the Legacy Midnight Run, which is the same race that was my inaugural run a year ago so I will definitely be running that one. I've been planning on it ever since I crossed the finish line. And I'm super excited because I will have my SIL Corrie and brother Jon to join me. Let's see if I can sucker anyone else into it....
This is a FUN race.
One of the things I'm looking forward to most though is this:http://instagram.com/p/acVIcBNkZo/
Take a look. Nicole got her first running leg! Best day of my life ever, besides seeing Nicole compete at the Paralympics will be the day that we both cross the finish line at a race, together. She kicked around the idea of getting a running leg a while ago, but when she revealed that she had actually gotten one I freaked out. She tried it on and says she has a long way to go. First thing is she has to get it fitted right. But I just know she is going to be giving me a run for my money one of these days because, well, this is Nicole we're talking about after all. Pretty awesome sauce!
My song dedication for this post is going to reflect the general feeling of gratitude I have experienced over this past year. And also remind me to be thankful more often in the times when it is most difficult to be thankful. There are a million little reasons for us all to be filled with gratitude every day of our lives no matter what the circumstances might be, no matter how difficult or trying times might get. Running, and the time I have spent not being able to run, have taught me to be more grateful. Nicole has taught me to be more grateful. All of the people who have influenced my life or expressed their support in my endeavors have taught me to be more grateful. Even all of the downright painful things I have had to go through have taught me to be more grateful, in fact those things have probably taught me most of all. I have spent too much time living my life in fear of the unknown, stuck inside my own self, living for tomorrow, not realizing what is right here today that won't be there tomorrow. These are some of the lessons I have to learn. I am finding that running seems to be a great teacher.
So here is the song. It is "Thankful" by Josh Groban. Maybe you can take a moment and think about how grateful you are and see what lessons your life is trying to teach you. Have a beautiful day!
Well it's April. The month I was supposed to run my first ever half marathon. But as life has a tendency to happen, I hit a snag along the way a couple months back. Sometime around the first part of February I was super pumped to head out for my first 10 mile run. I didn't quite make it that far. I should have stopped at 3 miles, but I kept pushing it, as a lot of crazy runners probably would have, and made it to 8.5 miles, then limped the last 2 miles home. I thought it was just tendonitis or something and took a good 2 week break, took it really easy. I was upset with myself because I had known I needed new shoes for at least 2 months but kept putting it off and it had become very apparent over the course of the last few weeks of running that my shoes just weren't cutting it. So I went out and got some new shoes. It was really hard to try on shoes when I couldn't really run, I tried but it wasn't great. So I thought I'd take it slow and try a couple easy runs. The first two went ok, but I wasn't sure about the shoes, but I figured they would need some time for breaking in. So I went out a third time and this time it wasn't so good. Over the next few days things just got progressively worse to the point that I finally broke down and called a doctor. Ended up being a good thing too. I had myself a nice little stress fracture. Lovely, because that was honestly the very first thought that went through my mind on that fateful Saturday morning when I hit mile 3. I thought to myself, "Oh no! I sure hope I don't have a stress fracture. I can't. What if I can't run?" So the doctor wrapped my foot up and gave me a lovely little sandal to wear. I'm not going to lie folks. This little bugger of an injury hurt like the dickens. I keep telling myself there's some lessons I must need to be learning from all of this. I knew an injury like this was bound to happen at some point. I was just hoping it would be later, rather than sooner. But, who knows. Maybe sooner is better than later.
For one thing, this has shown me just how much running has come to mean to me. It has been so hard for me not to run. But, at the same time, I haven't been willing to go against dr.'s orders because I'm taking it seriously. I want this taken care of right so that I will be able to have a whole life ahead of me of running. I would never have thought I would say this, but I have actually started crying when I am driving down the road and I see someone out running and I know I can't run too. It's killing me. How crazy is that?!?
I have had lots of people comment to me about how inspiring this all is and stuff. But guess what guys? Confession time. My motivation through all of this has been seriously lacking. I thought that I could at least hop on the bike trainer a couple times a week and maybe do a little pilates or yoga, or strength training. Yeah right. Instead, I have been sitting here stuffing my fat face. I have good news though. After 3 1/2 weeks in the wrap (+ the 3 weeks before I went to the doctor), I am finally free and I went for my first walk a few days ago, my first steps back. So it was just a leisurely walk around the neighborhood, but it was such a beautiful night out and it gave me back some much needed perspective. In fact, maybe that's what all of this has been about. Maybe I have needed a big scoop of fresh perspective. I have been so driven to hit my goal of running one race each month until the Paralympics and I really put a lot of pressure on myself over that because of how much my sister (and hero) Nicole means to me and how much I wanted to do something to show her my support. And honestly, a little selfishly probably, because I thought it might make her proud of me. There I said it. And then I wanted so bad to push my limits, just like she always does, by taking on a half marathon and running Ragnar in June (yeah, that's out too, oh well). I had this place in my head where I couldn't even imagine not doing any of those things. The thought was unacceptable to me. Like, this whole thing would have been a failure if I didn't live up to my expectations, even though I know that's absurd. I was so afraid of letting Nicole, and everyone else who has been so supportive, down. But, as a few have reminded me, things like this happen. I'm not letting anyone down because I got an injury. Athletes get injured all the time, teams come in last place, and you know what? They come back. Remarkably, they work through set-backs. I think I felt like I had this, it's-now-or-never kind of mindset. But it's always Now! I guess maybe that's the point. I have put my whole heart into this. I really have. When I started, Nicole had been away from the competition scene for an entire season and had barely even made it on to the snow at all in the entire previous year. She was feeling a little bit down and out to be honest. I really felt like I could do something to give her a boost. And I think I have done that.
Here are some of the things she's been up to. She demoed a sweet new knee in competition, and while she didn't have her best runs, she fell lots, it was a fabulous way to start out her competition season. To be fair, it was a brand new knee to her, she hadn't had any time to train on it and it is a completely different kind of prosthetic than the one she has always used in the past so I think it is amazing she could just strap on a totally foreign piece of equipment and head right out there with all of the other snowboarders. She placed 3rd in Copper Colorado and was invited to compete at the Slovenia World Cup, where she placed 4th. Then she was off to the Canadian World Cup and had a fantastic race. She had a 2nd place finish in a 4X4 heat (4 racers head to head), despite being the last one out of the gate. And her official standing is 3rd in the US and 4th in the World!
I have had a number of people say I have inspired them to start running too. The only person that I had actually follow all the way through to a race had been my awesome niece Megan. But I am now very happy to report that it is a coworker who has been working on the running goal for awhile that is the one who will be pulling me out of this low point. She invited me to join her for the SLC Color Me RAD 5k on June 22nd. And the cool thing is there's a bunch of cool ladies that want to do it, so we have a whole team to run. This is awesome because June 22nd is the same day as Ragnar, which is a team relay I was supposed to be running. Something you should know about me is that I happen to be someone that believes things happen for a reason and that things aren't just a coincidence so my thanks goes out to Meghan Eames. I think you are just awesome for sticking with it over the long run. I really, really needed this the day you posted it!
I'm still not completely sure about my foot. It still has some pain and I don't know if it is because it is weak now or what. My legs feel like they're going to give out on me any minute. I've got some work to do to get my head back in the game. I will be doing the 5k in June, even if I have to walk across the finish line. I will tell you that I am not the same person that stepped on to the treadmill about 10 months ago now. This is quite a journey I've been on this past year. I have learned a lot of things. And I have a feeling there are still a lot of things running has yet to teach me.
In case you'd like to get a peek at Nicole on her snowboard, here is a little video of her demo-ing the Bartlett Tendon Knee. As you can see, she was born to ride. Check it out on her website at http://www.nicoleroundy.com/bartlett-tendon-demo-day/
And for your listening and viewing pleasure I have chosen to end with a catchy little tune, In The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. I think it fits today's theme quite nicely and I had to use this video just because it is absolutely ridiculous and will likely cause seizures and had me ROFL. And I could use a good laugh these days to boost my morale. How about you? I hope you enjoy but don't blame me for any medical emergencies it may induce.
Yeah I know it's been awhile, but, Oh my Gosh! I did it. I completed my first 10k! That's news. Who would have ever thunk? It seems like such a short time ago when I was not even so certain about running 3 miles (5k) distance, and here I am today to tell you that I ran 6.2 miles, non-stop. It was the Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot and I can't think of a better way to spend the morning, earning that meal.
I used the 10k101 training podcast program by Todd Lange, which is the followup to the 5k101 program I did previously, to train for this round. I'm not going to lie to you. It was hard. When I made the leap and jumped into the 5k program I was so fired up and positive and my attitude made all the difference in my success, I do believe. I never said I couldn't do it, even if I had those thoughts sometimes, I was determined never to tell anyone that and to keep the focus in the positive. This time around, I had doubts and I actually found myself saying the words, "this is so hard," and you know what? I could tell the difference. When I said it was hard, it was. My mindset followed. There came a point when I knew I had to somehow drag myself up out of that negative energy I was letting creep over me. I had already registered for my chosen 10k so I was in and wasn't getting out of it. I could either make it really, really miserable for myself. Or I could find whatever it is deep, deep down inside of me that got me this far in the first place. When I started to find it again, there was a night and day difference in my runs, and my attitude about them.
One drawback I have right now is that it's starting to turn into winter. So far I've only had to run on the treadmill twice, which is good, because honestly I don't know how people do it. I was whining to no end those 2 days over it too, but then I had to pull myself back and go, "whoa, I am so blessed. I've been running for 4 months and I only end up having to run on the treadmill 2 times because of weather in that time. If all I can do is complain, then something is seriously wrong. Check yo'self." I still hope to keep treadmill runs to the bare minimum over the winter. Luckily there is an indoor track pretty near me (I've never used it though so I'm not sure how that would work out) and I've run a couple times in pretty cold weather but if you have the right clothes it's really not that big of a deal and it's so nice to get outside. Besides, it's kind of fun to go running and have people drive past you and stare at you like they think you are crazy. Guess what? We're runners. We are all totally insane, and we like it. Winter hasn't completely hit, but I'm thinking it will be manageable.
I was at work and one of my bosses was asking how my race went because she knew I was a little bit nervous about it. See, technically, I didn't actually finish the last 2 weeks of my 10k training due to getting sick, my husband going out of town for work, weather, blah, blah, blah. It just kind of went to pot. So I hadn't actually ever run the full distance. The most I had run was 5.5 miles. I knew I could do it, it just wasn't going to be easy. Well, how did it go? Amazing! Everyone kept telling me, "well, the worst that could happen is you might have to walk a little. It's ok." Guess what? I didn't have to walk at all. I ran the whole 6.2 miles. And I beat my expected finish time. I hadn't timed myself in a long time so I didn't know if I had gotten any faster since my first 5k or not, but I have always been pretty consistent with my pace. Well, I improved my pace by a full minute, and finished in 1:09. I am so happy with that. I was kind of anticipating 1:15 so that was a nice little bonus. I know I'm not fast. I don't try to be. I just take it slow and steady, and for the most part, I'm ok with that. My boss said, "You can run for a whole hour?" and I said, "well, apparently I can." That's really something when you consider that when I started this journey I was proud of myself for running 1.5 minutes at a stretch that first week. That's how far I've come. And it wasn't even a really big deal. I felt so good that day. By the end, I wasn't dead, I could have kept going honestly.
Of course one of the big questions everyone keeps asking me is if I am going to keep going after a 10k, and what they really mean is, am I going to run a half-marathon? I've always said I'm on a wait and see basis. I wanted to see how the 10k went and if I "felt" it. I'm still not 100% sure, but....stay tuned...an announcement may be pending.
There was one moment during the race that was kind of funny, there was one corner that as I came around it, I was literally the only person running. I saw probably 15 other people and every single person was walking. And I was thinking, "um, what's going on? Is there something I don't know? Am I doing something wrong? Am I supposed to be walking too?" I was looking over my shoulders and stuff. I don't know. It was funny.
Now, the other really cool thing about the day is that this ended up being a family affair. I am so proud of my 13 year old niece Megan. She ran her first 5k also. She's the first person to take on my challenge and follow through. She had been a little nervous too because training didn't go exactly smooth for her either and she wasn't sure if she was going to make it, but I assured her that it is totally ok to walk if you need to. She ran the first half and then ran/walked the rest of the way and she was grinning from ear to ear when I saw her, so I'd call it success! She was faster than I was in my first 5k and was 9th her age division. (Ok, 13 year old vs. 35 year old, so she's a little bit faster).
They also had a 1k kids race and Megan's sisters Madison and Courtney, and my 5 year old son Cody all made their racing debut as well. Madison was very proud of herself for running the whole thing. And Cody and Courtney also ran a good portion. Everyone received medals and we all have the race bibs to prove we were there. It was just a fabulous day overall. I'm still beaming over it.
Now I want to reflect a little on my inspiration for this whole deal: My sister Nicole. Anyone remember her? Well, Nicole has been really busy lately, getting engaged, getting a new (awesome) job and moving to Park City, trying to get her life set up so that she can get down to this Snowboarding business. She has so much work to do. She just realized that she doesn't have enough PTO (paid time off) from her job to go to the competitions that she has to in order to do all the qualifying and everything. She also doesn't know how she is actually going to fund it all. It's kind of like a huge leap of faith at this point and just dive right in and hope that everything will fall into place. I haven't been able to talk to her about it, but there's something about some rule made by the paralympic committee or something about the competition rules that puts her at a huge disadvantage because she is an AK (above-the-knee), instead of BK (below-the-knee) amputee, and the weather isn't doing much right now to help them out and give them any snow to start training on. So right now, she is feeling a little down and out I think. This is why right now, as winter is about to hit and may make running a little harder or more inconvenient, I have to show my commitment and enthusiasm even more and persevere. And so in that light, I will now close with my dedicatory song for this post, Calling All Angels by Train. I won't share all of the lyrics just the first half, but I feel like this is so applicable to right now where Nicole and I are in this, whatever you want to call it. I have this song on my running playlist because I love the chorus part where it says, "I won't give up if you don't give up," and that is something that I play inside of my head all the time when I'm needing a reason to keep going. (I also kind of like the soaring eagle in the music video, inspirational, if a little cliche) So Nicole, do you hear me? I WON'T GIVE UP IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP!
I need a sign, to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know, that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you can feel the world shake from the words that are said
And I'm, calling all Angels
And I'm. calling all you Angels
And I won't give up, if you don't give up
I won't give up, if you don't give up
I won't give up, if you don't give up
I won't give up, if you don't give up
I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason fro the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me
Here I am coming up to the finish line. And you can see me at the start of the race. I'm that blonde second back behind that giant pole in the blue shorts by the fence.
I had a hard time choosing a race for September. This was race number 2. I had scheduling issues because I had committed to doing an Autism walk with my sister's family back in May which was one weekend in September, which actually didn't happen. My brother's wedding is on the last weekend of the month. And then Nicole's boyfriend was going to run with me but the two of them were going to NYC another weekend of the month. (I'm still waiting for the boyfriend to make good on his promise, by the way). I was really humming and hawing about my options because nothing was really screaming out, "Ooh, pick me." I think this one was just meant to be, because I had been searching and searching all over the race websites with little luck, but suddenly one day this race just popped up that I swear had not been on there before. It could not have been more perfect.
This was a fundraiser for 16 year old Porter, who has bone cancer. He just had his right leg amputated, and loves sports, including snowboarding! Ok, in case you need a refresher, my sister Nicole had bone cancer, is a right leg amputee, and well, she's a snowboarder, duh!
Nicole wasn't there at the finish line this time because she was busy having a yard sale. Guys, she needs to come up with so much money in order to make it the Paralympics, and well, she's pretty much on her own to figure out how. We had another yard sale for her a couple weeks before and I was able to get rid of a lot of my junk in her behalf. Boy, was Jeff happy to see it go!
I think I could get used to this race thing though. It really is fun, I will admit. I wasn't really trying to beat my time, but I improved by 3 minutes from my first 5k. I finished at 34:27. (Last time was 37:32). This one wasn't really officially timed though so I don't know how much I'd trust that. There was a monster hill. I was determined to make it up, and you know what, I did! At least to the top of the first long section. I don't know how long, but to me, who hasn't been training on hills, it really was a beast. At the top there was a water stop where it turned the corner and that's where I stopped and walked for a bit because it was still a climb and I was breathing pretty hard by then, but as soon as it leveled out I ran for it, all the way into the finish line. I had read on a website about how to use your arms going up a hill by holding them tight to your body and swinging your hands into an upward movement and that's supposed to help pull your knees up or something, and then you take really small steps and kind of spring off with each step. I probably looked really stupid, and I probably interpreted what they were saying totally wrong, but it got me up that hill while pretty much everyone else was walking, so I was happy.
I'm learning more and more all the time. I really am amazed at how much there is to this running thing. It isn't just tie up those shoes and take off, not if you really want to make it anyway. It's serious business. But I felt really good about running this time around. I finished strong. I didn't feel like I was at my very limit getting to the finish line, like last time. In my training, I'm now able to run 4.5 miles, which is amazing to me. It wasn't only the hill that was a real test for me this time either. I always run with music to keep my pace and words to encourage me. But I forgot my headphones, so I had to make an emergency phone call to Jeff and I was lucky that he was right near his work so he could pick up some from his office on his way out to the race. I was feeling pretty anxious about not running with my iPod. In fact, I shamefully will admit that I had a moment where I considered not running if he didn't get there in time to bring me the headphones. Ouch! Fortunately, he made it just in time. But they didn't stay in my ears very well so I ran with both headphones for probably only 1/2 a mile. Then I ran with only 1 headphone for the next mile and 1/2 and then a gust of wind was the last straw so I ran the rest of the race iPod free for the first time ever. And you know what? I did it, and it wasn't really as difficult as I had imagined. That's something that I have wondered about too. I'm still not sure about running completely without music all the time, but I could possibly ease into that and get away from being dependent on it. I can now see that happening for a 5k. 10k, maybe.
What an adventure I am on. I registered for the Thanksgiving Day 10k and I am now officially training for that. I did my first "tempo" run today, where you run for 8 minutes at a faster speed than you would normally run, then take a walking break, then do it again, a bunch of times. Wow, was that a killer. I'm a pretty slow runner. My mantra has pretty much been, "Slow and steady, Freddy." But it was a good kind of hard. Fortunately, you don't do the tempo runs every time. My next run is a nice and easy 30 minute jog. Compared to my 4.5 mile runs I've been doing, I'm going to feel like I'm not doing enough, I think. But it was good to hear my "coach's" voice again today. I used the 5k101 podcasts to train before, and now I'm using the 10k101 program by the same guy, Todd Lange. He is so awesome, in case you haven't read my earlier posts where I drool over how much I loooove 5k101! I highly recommend any of his stuff which you can check out at http://runningmatemedia.com/
I would like to end with another song if you don't mind. Today I'm dedicating a song to Nicole and Porter, Fighters by Kris Allen. It reminds me to keep fighting the battles in my own life, because I have what it takes, even if I don't feel like I do. It's there hidden inside of me somewhere. That's a lesson I learn from Nicole is to keep on fighting, no matter what, and to remember her battles and then to say, "so get out there and do this. Always remember, if she can, I can. I have to. I will."
