Hello out there! I've been away living my life and just making it through one day at a time for quite some time. In that time I've never found a place to express my feelings and experiences living and learning with Schizoaffective Disorder, psychosis, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It feels like a heavy weight bearing down on my shoulders and chest, squeezing the life and breath out of me as I try to chin-up and put my best foot forward, but really no one in my life understands what it feels like. And that has led to feeling like I am judged and criticized harshly on every side, behind closed doors and under people's breath. Because I don't function like normal, I don't fit-in, I don't appear like I've got it all together. And guess what, I don't care that my life doesn't look picture perfect and normal. Gasp! I'm controversial and socially unacceptable, I know.
So I have decided to start writing about my experience and letting the world take a little peek. Maybe it will help me get it off my chest, and that will be freeing. Maybe it will open a few eyes, and that will build understanding. Maybe it will bring a little hope and peace to someone who feels alone, scared or unheard, and that will be a blessing. I'm not sure exactly where to begin or how to break it all down. But here goes...
My name is DeAnne. I have Schizoaffective Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I can hear the question, what the heck is Schizoaffective Disorder? I will go into more scientifically backed detail throughout later posts, but just for a quick rundown, it is like having a combination of symptoms of Schizophrenia and a mood disorder, all at the same time. There are both depressive types and bipolar types. Someone with the depressive form would be like having both Major Depression and Schizophrenia, while a bipolar type would be experiencing both bipolar mood cycles and schizophrenia. When I am talking about schizophrenia, there are many symptoms associated with this disorder, but the main component includes psychosis, where you sense things that are not real, have delusions, paranoia, and have a break from reality. Sometimes people with Bipolar may experience psychosis, but the difference is with Bipolar, the psychotic symptoms must coincide with the mood cycles, whereas in schizoaffective disorder, the psychotic symptoms are independent of the mood cycles, so it really is like having two separate mental disorders at the same time. Trippy. The difference between schizoaffective disorder and schizophrenia is that schizophrenics have what is called a flat affect, so no mania/hypomania and mood swings happening there. That's where it gets confusing, because I experience mania/hypomania and depression cycles, but I also experience flat affect or no emotion at times. Now throw into the mix another disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and it's quite a party going on all the time. Now in reality, there is an extensive list of symptoms and I have experienced nearly all of them to some degree. There is also an extensive list of side-effects from treatment and again, I have experienced many of them.
There is so much misunderstanding, fear, and stigma surrounding schizophrenia and psychosis, as well as other mental disorders. But really, come on. Think about it. Those of you who know me, am I really that scary or strange? Am I working, living, and accomplishing things every day? Guess what? I am one of the faces of schizoaffective/schizophrenia.
My name is DeAnne. I am a paraprofessional in a special education classroom. I work weekends in a chocolate factory. I'm a student in a graduate certificate program. I am a mother to an autistic boy. I'm a step mom. And a wife. And a friend. And a daughter. And a sister. I love peanut butter and Indian food, walks in the rain, and Star Trek. I've got goals and dreams.
If you have any interest in gaining some insight into what it is like to live with this disorder or if you'd like to see what strategies and tools help me cope and function, or some of the lessons I have learned about life, I invite you to join me in this little adventure.
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